Blog
3/17/11
Believing Lies (Journal entry from fall 2010 during time of trial in my marriage and family)
Well, it’s back to the basics for me! Oh how I need a savior to rescue me! Will that ever change? Sometimes I am not sure, but in reality He will finish what He has started in me. Why is it so hard to live in the truth of who I am in the Lord? Sometimes the battle is so subtle that I can’t see it coming at all but it can be brutal. With each lie that I believe more ground is given to the enemy of my heart and soul. Slowly I can drift into a place of despair, void of hope, full of doubt and even resentment toward God.
Walking with the Lord is simple, yet so hard. The spirit truly is willing but the flesh is weak. So, we really only have two choices in this life---life by the Spirit of God or life by the flesh. Life by the flesh leads to death, life by the Spirit leads to abundant life. Obviously, my desire is for abundant life, closeness with the Lord, a life full of fruitfulness, peace, joy, and victory. Yet I struggle, I strive, I give up in frustration at my inability to do the things I know I ought to do. I give in to the idols of the flesh that temporarily numb the pain of loss and rejection that I feel. In my depraved mind, I start to believe the lie that the Lord is writing me off because of my failures over and over. Self hatred and negative thinking dominate the thoughts of my mind and my heart feels the weight and pain of shame and guilt. Surely, I should be able to do better!!! Maybe if I just try harder, maybe a little more effort, a little more obedience to the standard set before me, maybe then I’ll be good enough to be found pleasing, acceptable and loveable in His eyes and the eyes of those I want to impress, yet another lie. Pride and believing somehow I must do better leads to despair and burnout. “Why won’t God give me more of the Holy Spirit I think?” In essence I blame God in part for my failures, because I have asked for more of His Spirit, yet I remain empty and begin to lose hope. In reality I know the problem is not with God because He is perfect and Holy. But I can’t live up to the preconceived ideas and expectations placed on me by myself and others. I feel so inadequate ---and I am.
Today this is where the Lord wants me to be. It’s a painful place to be, but to find hope again I am going to have to learn to stop relying on myself, my ability, my effort, my intentions and start relying on the only One who can rescue me from this path of the dying heart. Brokenness always leads me back to Him. Jesus says in God’s word “Apart from me, you can do nothing.” Paul says, “Not that we are competent in ourselves to claim anything for ourselves, but our competence comes from God. - 2Cr 3:5 NIV” Somehow this has to sink in, I think to myself, “I must beat it into my thick head, it must become a reality in my mind”-----“I can’t do this apart from Him!” In reality, I must learn to allow this truth into my heart. It is only through Him that I can do anything of value. He has already made it possible for me to live in righteousness and freedom in relationship with Him because of the sacrifice of blood on my behalf from Jesus. “His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness.” - 2Pe 1:3 Praise God! The pressure is off, the striving can stop! Even in the hardest or darkest of times the truth remains. “But thanks be to God, who always leads us in triumphal procession in Christ and through us spreads everywhere the fragrance of the knowledge of him. “- 2Cr 2:14 NIV. He doesn’t just lead us in triumph part of the time---it says always!! That’s good news! I can’t say that I always understand what He is up to but I can bank on the fact that He always leads me in triumph. Even though I can’t see it---He is doing it!! And He is more than able to do it. It is also good to be reminded of how broken I am and how lost I am without a savior. Because, in my brokenness I remember that I do have a Savior and He loves me, even though I just don’t seem to be able to get it right. That is reason enough to shout praises to the Lord!
Lord, I confess my heart wanders away from You because I believe lies. You are my only hope, my only source of strength and goodness. Apart from You I can do nothing of value. I acknowledge my failure and my sin, my decisions to try and do life on my own terms. I acknowledge the truth of You as my Savior and Lord! Thanks for Your sacrifice on my behalf. I praise you that in Your great grace and mercy you have chosen to always lead me in triumph and You have assured me that you will finish the good work You have begun in me. I humbly acknowledge my desperate need for You and the transforming work of Your Spirit in my life. I thank You for revealing Yourself to me more today. Praise the Lord!
John
3/14/11
The snow last night was amazing and looked even more glorious at sunrise. Hopefully it did not snag your drives to work this morning. Was reading in Experiencing God Day by Day of one of Peter's first encounters with Christ (Luke 5:4). Here is the short version:
As the crowds gathered around, Jesus chose to board Peter's boat and teach the people from there. All day long Peter sat in the boat listening to Jesus teach the multitudes. At the close of His discourse, Jesus allowed Peter to experience the reality of what He had just been teaching the crowd. The crowd had heard the truth, but Peter was to experience it.
So Peter puts into the deep at Jesus command and pulls in such a miraculous catch of fish that his boat almost sank--he had just experienced the power of God.
Peter learned that with a command from Jesus, he could do anything. Thus, Jesus was able to reorder Peter's priorities from catching fish to catching men. Peter's obedience led to a dramatic new insight into the person of Jesus. This was an invitation to walk with Jesus in an even more intimate and powerful way.
God does not want you to merely gain intellectual knowledge of truth. He wants you to experience His truth. (Experiencing God Day-by-Day March 14th).
Several analogies struck me as I read this--pushing into deep water, experiencing Jesus, changing priorities, walking more intimately and powerfully with Jesus. I think of us in the midst of these analogies and the men from the weekend. We have all gotten just a taste of experiencing Jesus' truth--how He views our hearts, how he takes our woundedness upon himself, living in the truth he speaks over us (refer to Jayson Gray video--see link below)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_3MgJckIwWw
God is up to something big--something big in each of our lives--taking back ground, dispelling lies, offering truth, giving Life. And if you read Oswald today, you can tie this in to yieldedness. We need only to yield to Christ to give Him room to work. We men yielded last weekend and God showed up. Jesus is ready for us to go deeper. We should not be surprised when he shows up!
Chance
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